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WE ALL
I wanted them to love me
Or maybe just accept me
Didn't we all worship Christ as Lord?
I didn't fit their notions
I had all the wrong emotions
Sometimes I felt too weak to face the sword
I read and loved the leather Book
My gaze became a defeated look
I wished so much to fit and find a friend
I never got to make them see;
The love of God, so real in me,
I didn't know I needed to defend
I want them to love me
Or maybe just accept me
Don't we all worship Christ as Lord?
Must I fit with all their notions?
I have such strong emotions
Deep within this guarded heart, all safely stored
I read and love the leather Book
My eyes take on a pleading look
We all seek after God; we all have sinned
Father, help me make them see
The love of God is real in me
I only wish to find and be a friend
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THE OUTSIDER
I remember them,
The girls who curled their lips and rolled their eyes
And the boys who laughed and found joy in my pain
And the grownups who had no idea
Who lived in my body
None of them knew it was me in here
And sadly I was struggling to know me too
I wanted to be like them
Pretty, smart, slender, liked
I watched them through averted eyes
And mimicked their steps
I threw my pebble across the ripples
But mine didn't skip
It sunk to the bottom of the muck
And they shut me out
And they never knew how much it hurt
I thought, then, if my pebble wasn't smooth enough
I'd use a rock
I'd show them I was tough enough
To merit their admiration, somehow
But it only made me emptier
It only made them sneer
And I was left again with only me
The me no one seemed to need
And I vowed one day things would be different
One day someone would love me
And hold my pebble and think it beautiful
And skip it across an ocean of dreams
And help me to love me too
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RAINING
it's raining outside and inside me
the siren is crying like I wish I could
and my joys are out there in the rain
drowning like I sometimes do
there's a steady screeching from another room
relentless, though it fades now and then
pitched in such a way
that I cringe at the sound
but I guess it's all part of it somehow
almost like helplessness
almost like sorrow but not quite
music from somewhere tries to soothe
and I wish it could
I wish it could
I reach a limp hand toward something, anything
in a poor attempt at gaining strength
God, it's raining
if only I could lie my head on my pillow
and rest from the pressing in
the expectations
they're counting on me
I could never let them down
the tree outside my window looms over my world
not bringing me fear but comfort
its giant branches poised willow-like
to hold me
and though it bends in the wind of this storm
it is strong enough for both of us
why does music search my soul thus?
would that I could escape such knowing
the cello and dulcimer see inside this heart
if only the pain would float away with the notes
and the rain could wash away the worry
I need to be alone
listen to the music
listen to the rain
rest under my tree
feel almost free
it's raining
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